Bluffton University

Clean

screenplay

by: Emmet Spaw

CHARACTERS

Teddy - In his late twenties. The kind of guy who would surprise you by still being alive in his late twenties.

Mark - In his late twenties. The kind of guy who would surprise you by being roommates with Teddy.

SETTING

The kitchen of a shared apartment in Phoenix, Arizona. Modern Day.
Late afternoon.

(Lights up. We are in the kitchen/living room of a small apartment. A bottle of hand sanitizer and a jug of OJ sit on the counter, and a crude poster filled with two rows of tally marks hangs on the fridge. Keys in the door are heard and Mark enters, in a bad mood. He adds a tally to one row of the poster, then goes to the counter and gets out appliances to make something. A toilet flushes offstage and Teddy enters. They lock eyes. Teddy freezes like a deer in headlights before snapping out of it.)

TEDDY
(Scrambling) Hey man. Mark. Hey Mark.

MARK
…Hey T. How’re you holding up?

TEDDY
Good, good good good. Great. Hey, where’d you—You’re back from the gym a little early, huh?

MARK
Vic and I didn’t go to the gym today. You might call it a—Lover’s quarrel. So, I’m back here to check on you before the… Uh…

(Sweat has instantly drenched Teddy’s shirt.)

TEDDY
-Before the interview? Could not be more ready, man. I feel invisible. Wait. Invincible.

MARK
…I’m glad you’re wearing the backup shirt, cause this one seems a little…

TEDDY
(Looking down) Shit, not again! Hey, did we have a backup for the backup? Never mind, I’m gonna go change and get sweaty for the interview. (Crossing) Ready. Ready for the interview.

MARK
Woah, hey! Hold on a sec, man. Are you nervous? You seem a little ner/vous.

TEDDY
Fantastic! Amazing! I’m just fine and candy. This is the best I’ve felt since… Look- No shakes!

MARK
No shakes? Took you long enough, that’s great! See, you got nothing to worry about. And ol’ Mark’s got your back. Now go get changed.

(Mark applies some hand sanitizer. Teddy does not leave, and instead stares with extreme fear.)

TEDDY
Yeah, yeah! Thanks, Uh—Thanks, ol’ Mark! Ol’ Marky Mark. The Markster. Mark-arino. Appreciate it. Appreciate, uh- Hey, so what’re you up to with that hand sanitizer?

MARK
I’m… Sanitizing my hands with it, Teddy. Did you wanna go get cha—

TEDDY
Wow, that’s great! Staying sanitized. With that sanitizer. …So you’re about done in here, right?

(MARK goes to open the fridge.)

MARK
You know my routine, dude. I’m making my—The—What the hell happened to the Orange Juice?

(Teddy stares at the orange juice on the counter, then grabs it.)

TEDDY
I uh- I think we’re out of orange goose. Shit, orange goose. Goose. Goose! Orange-

MARK
Juice, Teddy. Juice. I swear I left it- (Turning around) Teddy, you’re holding the orange juice!

TEDDY
Am I? Oh, this orange juice! I’ve been drinking it for… Nutrients! The nutrients helps me focus.

MARK
Uh, glad to hear they “helps” you focus, but I’ve got a smoothie that needs making. Can you—

TEDDY
I’ll pay you back for it, I promise.

MARK
Feel free to hit me with that line after you get the job, okay?

TEDDY
Uh, okay. I’ll do that. Here you- Here you go!

(Teddy maintains a vice grip on the bottle as Mark attempts to take it.)

MARK
Teddy, give me the- Is this a bit, Teddy? Is this a bit you’re doing right now? Cause I’ve had the same routine for months now, dude! I go work out with Vickie, I make my smoothie, and I fall asleep on the couch watching Golden Girls! I’m trying to stick with the program here, man!

TEDDY
I think it’s gone bad. The orange juice. It’s aspired.

MARK
I bought it two days ago, dude.

TEDDY
No, I’m pretty sure it’s perspired. I wouldn’t want you to drink some and-

MARK
You watched me drink some this morning, Teddy! It’s fine! God damn, dude.

(Mark grabs the OJ from Teddy to prove his point. He takes a swig and immediately spits it out. Teddy fails to notice his own nose bleeding.)

MARK (Cont.)
God damn, dude! What the hell!? What the f—(Gagging) Hurk—Cluuugh—Ouegh—

TEDDY
…I think it’s gone / bad.

MARK
No shit it’s gone bad! It tastes like someone put goddamn battery acid in it! You’ve been drinking this?

TEDDY
…I mean, if you don’t want it, I’ll / get—

MARK
No! I don’t want it! But it seems like you’ve been—

TEDDY
Me? I didn’t even, uh- I haven’t- I didn’t even know we had orange juice!

MARK
You just said that you’ve been- You know what? Let’s… drop it. Let’s just drop it.

TEDDY
Yeah, let’s drop it! We’ll drop it. It is dropped. But just to clarify, I have not been-

MARK
Listen, if expired OJ is what helps get your head straight for tonight, who am I to stop you? I’m just gonna go into the other room, watch my damn stories, and forget this conversation happened. And dude, your nose has been bleeding for a full minute.

(Mark hands Teddy the bottle and begins walking out. He stops suddenly, looking at the hand sanitizer. He then looks at the orange juice in Teddy’s hands. He picks up the hand sanitizer, looking at it again. Teddy freezes.)

TEDDY
(Wiping nose on sleeve) You know what? I think I’m gonna head back to my-

(Mark raises a finger to stop Teddy, then raises the bottle to his lips. He stops for a second and takes a sip. His face curdles. He slowly opens his mouth and expels the sanitizer onto the counter.)

MARK
Teddy, I’m going to ask you a clear and direct question. Look at me, Teddy! Teddy, why does the orange juice taste like hand sanitizer?

TEDDY
…Because I put hand sanitizer in the orange juice.

MARK
…What the fuck, Teddy? What the hell?! Why would you-

TEDDY
(Blurting) It’s a prank! That’s what it was. I was trying to prank you. You have been… prunk.

MARK
Teddy! If it was a prank for me, then why were you the one drinking it?

TEDDY
Uh—Um—I suppose I, uh—You know, I’m, uh—You—I got you good, huh?

MARK
What the hell is wrong with you, dude? This stuff has like, poison in it and sh-

(Mark, looking at the drug facts on the back of the bottle, deflates.)

MARK (Cont.)
Oh, dude. Oh, buddy.

TEDDY
Uh, it’s—

MARK
Oh buddy, no.

TEDDY
Yeah… Yeah.

MARK
Teddy, you—The interview! You’ve got the interview, dude! Why would you—

TEDDY
I know I’ve got the interview, Mark! That’s why I drank it!

MARK
You drank- The fuck are you talking about, Teddy?

TEDDY
You think I’m gonna walk in there sweating bullets with all the shakes going on and they’ll just shrug it off? They’re gonna think I’m a crackhead, dude! First impressions matter!

MARK
Yeah! And you’re going to come in hungover!

TEDDY
Not hungover, dude! I’m staying buzzed! Just a little buzzed to teeth my wits about me!

MARK
Are you listening to yourself? “Hello sir, sorry about my slurred speech- I’m just a little blitzed on personal hygiene products right now. Let’s move on to my prior experience.”

TEDDY
(Assuredly) My words am not slurred. I am talking like a regular and rational sturgeon.

MARK
Rational. You just relapsed on a hand sanitizer mimosa.

(Pause. Mark points at the poster.)

MARK (Cont.)
We were two months clean already, dude. We were supposed to be in it together.

TEDDY
No, no! Mark, hey. Listen to me, Mark. You have to Listerine: Drinking: It’s for fun, you know? It’s a fun thing, getting drank. You under stamp what I meat?

MARK
Teddy, are you listening to the words you’re saying right now?

TEDDY
No! You are not listerine to me! Drinking, going out to drink- that’s for fun. That’s what got us- Y’know, uh- Drunk. But this, this drinking was out of necessity. I’ve been a mess, man! I need confidence. And now I exclude confidence. So, I- This was more like… Confidence medication.

MARK
What you’re saying is that you self-medicated.

TEDDY
Absolutely, man. Absolutely. (Stopping to think) Wait, no! No, not like that! I meant it like- You know, you use sanitizer to clean your hands, I’m using it to clean my… Brain.

MARK
No shit you’re using it to clean your brain! Look at this: “70% alcohol content,” “Tocopheryl Acetate,” “Tetrahydroxypropyl ethylenediamine” Do you even know what that is? Cause I don’t, and I’m not the one drinking it! Teddy, you’re not gonna have any goddamn brain cells left!

TEDDY
It can’t be that bad, okay? Maybe a little Tetra-hydron-boxle etheldiamond-lite is good for you!

MARK
Yeah, your nose is bleeding again. Is that what you were doing in the bathroom when I came in?

TEDDY
No, actually—I’ll have you know that I was throwing up in the toilet.

MARK
Nope. I’m going out! I can’t deal with this right now. Dude!

(Mark motions at Teddy’s ear, which has also begun bleeding.)

TEDDY
That’s probably just my body flushing out the tonics, Mark! It’s not a big deal!

MARK
Great! So you deal with it! It’s been a long day, dude: First I have a fight with Vic, then she says we can’t go to the gym because it’s “not the right thing to do,” and now I come back to find you doing- Whatever the hell this is! So you know what? I’m going over to the gym. Alone.

(Mark starts towards the door, but stops to look at the tally marks.)

MARK (Cont.)
We made a promise, man. And you broke it.

TEDDY
Okay, maybe I did! Maybe hand sanitizer counts as an alcoholic beverage! But you know what else I promised you? That I’d get the job, Mark! This is how I get jobbed! You can’t just give up on me now!

MARK
Dude, you’re in no condition to take this interview!

TEDDY
Hey! No. Listerine- Damn it! Listen to me, okay? This ham satanizer has made me more consident and charismantic! I am ship-frickin-shape, dude. I am as ship as a shape right now, and I guarantee- You know what? Come over here. Seat down right now. I want you to chest me.

MARK
Test you? Okay, fine. Three strikes, you’re out. You walk in, what’s the first thing you say?

TEDDY
(Composed) Alright, uh—Nice to meet you, sir. I’m Ted Hales and I’m interested in the maintenance position.

MARK
Surprisingly good start. What would you say your strengths are?

TEDDY
(Drawn-out) Well- I’m an effective communicator and… I’m pretty good at ping-pong and… I’m an effective communicator and… I play ping-pong a lot and…

MARK
…Okay, I’m gonna cut you off there. What is your date of birth?

TEDDY
March 1st, 2008. Wait. Shit, 1998. (Slurring) March 4st, 2098.

MARK
Okay, that’s your “4st” strike. Let’s try this. Can you sign here?

(Mark pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. Teddy scrawls a signature.)

MARK (Cont.)
Sign your name. Not my name.

(Mark hands the paper back. Teddy tries again.)

MARK (Cont.)
That’s my name again, Teddy! And there’s blood on the- Is your mouth bleeding!?

TEDDY
Just disregard the mouth blood, sir. Next question.

MARK
Not disregarding it, strike two. So, what can you tell me about your last job?

TEDDY
Last job, last job. What can I say? I worked there, that’s for sure. I also…

(Teddy scratches his head. A large chunk of hair falls out.)

TEDDY (Cont.)
That’s hair. That’s my hair. Anyways, at my last job—

MARK
Shit, man! That’s your hair! That’s a third strike if I’ve ever seen one. You’re out, dude.

TEDDY
For hair? That’s like- Job discrimination, man! I was on a roll! Maybe I got a few things wrong, but I’m still sharp! I’m telling you, I’m sharp as a—As—I’m… I’m fucked, aren’t I? I’m fucked.

(Mark offers a silent nod, and Teddy sinks into a chair. All is quiet for a moment. Suddenly, Teddy gets up and moves to Mark.)

TEDDY (Cont.)
To hell with it. If I’m gonna drink, I’m gonna drink. Give it to me.

MARK
Dude, what? No, you’re not!

TEDDY
I’d rather be drunk and miserable than just miserable. And I’m not clean anymore, so why not?

MARK
How about the fact that it’s hand sanitizer! Look at yourself, man! Look at the hair clump!

TEDDY
It’s got orange goose, it’ll cancel out eventually!

MARK
That’s not how it works, dude! Back off!

(Both men lunge for the bottle and wrestle with it. Teddy immediately wins the tug-of war and Mark goes flying to the ground. They stare at each other. Teddy is perplexed.)

TEDDY
Arm wrestle me right now.

MARK
What?

(Teddy holds the bottle up, threatening to drink it.)

TEDDY
I said wrestle my arms, dude. Right now.

MARK
What are you—Okay, fine!

(They approach the counter to arm-wrestle. After some ceremonial sizing-up, Teddy wins immediately. He holds up the bottle as a threat.)

TEDDY
Don’t sandbag! Don’t you fuckin’ sandbag on me, Mark! It’s dishonorable!

MARK
I’m not sandbagging, okay? I wouldn’t do that to you, man!

(They try again, and Mark loses once more. Teddy takes a step back.)

TEDDY
You’ve been going to the gym every day since we… And I’m drunk on sanitizer… But I just… Show me your arms.

MARK
Teddy wait, you know I’m very modest about my—

(Teddy grabs Mark’s forearm and has a moment of realization.)

TEDDY
These are not the arms of a man who works out!

MARK
I’ve been working core, T! And legs, I’ve been working legs!

TEDDY
Your legs look like pool noodles, Mark! They’re by far your worst quality! You’re telling me that you work out every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday from 6-8 at the fancy gym that you say is only open at those times and you… Oh my god, have you been sneaking off to drink?

(Teddy threatens the bottle one final time.)

MARK
It’s Vic! It’s Vic. I… Never told her about the promise. We kept going out to drink! I just figured- Neither of you had to know. But today she found out, now she’s pissed, and you’re…

TEDDY
…Drinking hand sanitizer, you dumb idiot! Why didn’t you just tell me? We could’ve gone out and had actual drinks! I mean, there’s that nice new bar over by the gym. Hey, wait a second!

MARK
I couldn’t just tell you, okay? I was afraid! I thought I was doing the right thing!

TEDDY
I guess that makes two of us.

(Pause. Both men simmer down and sink into a seat.)

TEDDY (Cont.)
Dude, we suck at this.

MARK
Sobriety or being roommates?

TEDDY
Sobriety. But—Sorry I hit you.

MARK
No, no. I deserved it.

(Mark gets up and tears down the tally mark poster on the fridge. He then grabs the bottle from Teddy’s hands. They both look at it. Mark suddenly takes a slug. He stomachs it, then offers Teddy a drink.)

MARK (Cont.)
Hey. Cancel your interview. I’ll call Vic. Forget all of it. We can get clean, or we can stay dirty. It’s up to us. But today we start on the same page, and we do it together. For real this time.

(Teddy looks at the bottle for a second and takes a drink. The two men take turns drinking the cocktail whilst gagging and coughing. After suffering the whole thing, the empty bottle is thrown in the garbage.)

TEDDY
Have to say, that idea seemed far better symbolically.

MARK
Yeah, feeling a very strong urge to call poison control. Let’s go throw up.

TEDDY
Together, Mark. Let’s go throw up together. After that, I hear the gym has a basketball court?

MARK
Hey, better late than never.

(Finally united, the roommates head to the sink to vomit. Blackout.)

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